He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
