Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
