Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
