We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
