If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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