Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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