Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
