Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
