who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
