I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
