I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i need some magic done to my vagina
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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