If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
