she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
