I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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