It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
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