omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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