Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
