I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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