piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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