I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
