It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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