That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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