Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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