Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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