It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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