there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
