I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
