i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
