You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
