I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
