I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
