I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
