I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
