so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
