My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Randomize
