eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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