my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
