dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
