Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
