I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
