at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
