I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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