I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
