You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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