chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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