you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
