Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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