If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
