I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
