Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
